The Holiday Blues

Photo by Jeswin Thomas from Pexels

Good morning and a belated Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Whether you celebrate this holiday or not, I want you to know I am thankful for having each and everyone of you in my life. 

This post will be on a more personal note, and I apologize in advance for its length. I felt the need to share my personal story in hopes that during this time it will help someone else find the strength they need to keep moving forward.

The holiday season is one that is hard for me. If I am being honest, the last few months have been overly heavy for me in general. The weight grows heavier, though, as the holiday season begins. 

As many of you already know, I am bipolar. This silent illness takes its toll on my mind more and more lately. I find myself spiraling in a storm of depression and debilitating chaos. My thoughts suffocate me and leave me wondering what the hell I am really doing here. These questions are my waking inspirations and my bedtime lullabies. The song gets louder daily and honestly, on some days, the tune scares the hell out of me.

So, why are the holidays so hard for me? Well, like many others, I have children to provide for and worry about providing them the best foundation for their future. Meaning, I want to instill the true meaning of the holidays without denying them the joy we all love to see in their faces on Christmas day, when they open that gift they were so good for all year. 

The holidays also remind me of the ones who are no longer here to celebrate with us. For me, this is my mother and my son. The latter is the one that still hits me the most every year. I wonder what he would have been doing if he were still here. I question what he would put on his wish list. And I notice his absence more during the festivities. 

Why am I writing about this, you might ask? Well, I know there are many out there who live with their own personal demons that have them questioning every step they take. My purpose here, is to let all of you out there suffering know, you are not alone. There are people who understand your daily torment. Who care enough to share in your debilitating pain. Who want to see you succeed as much if not more than you do yourself. If you find yourself on this rollercoaster we call the survival train, please, reach out. Whether it is to me, someone close to you, a complete stranger on the street, or a national help line, you do not have to go through this alone.

Photo by M. Jaimes-Serrano

The Strength of Innocence

I scream,

You hug me

I yell,

You hug me tighter

I crumble,

You hug me still

I cry,

Your innocent smile

tells me, mommy will

be alright

 

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